FROM LIVING YOUR DREAM TO QUESTIONING IT ALL
Back in March before this whole “Corona Virus” reached North America I was super excited and looking forward to speaking at my first domestic abuse conference outside of the United States; The Canadian Domestic Violence Conference 6 in Halifax, Nova Scotia. For the first time in my life I was flying by myself, going through security by myself, experiencing a new adventure by myself and I was excited about it. I knew THIS is what I’ve been praying for. That prayer is/was to travel the world speaking at conferences telling my story of overcoming domestic abuse and helping others overcome their battle with domestic abuse.
So here it was within reach. I was holding an actual passport in my hot little hand. I worked hard and created a speech, I worked hard at practicing that speech. I saved money to pay for travel, room and food. I wanted this more than anything. I’ve been through a lot of shit in my life and though it seems like those days were from a different dimension they still happened. But I did it. I boarded that plane with my N95 mask, sanitizer and disinfectant wipes in tow due to the potential of coronavirus with a pep in my step, with butterflies in my stomach.
I was living my dream, I was actually living my dream !!!! Before it was my turn to speak I went and stood at the window overlooking the beautiful water surrounding Nova Scotia and prayed to God for guidance and that what i have to say helps someone. I got up on that stage, with laryngitis I might add, and I gave it all I had, voice included. I told MY story and I crushed it!! I could have made it all the way back to Illinois on the high I was on. I was so proud of myself. All of this from a little girl who hid under beds with the dust bunnies and roaches to avoid the violence, from the girl who was told multiple times that I would fail or that I could do things because “ I was a girl.”
Than the world stopped.... The world literally stopped. Coronavirus spread to all corners of the globe and we as a world were isolated into our homes. No school, no work, no going out to eat, no venturing anywhere. Our world had been confined to the confines of our homes. All surgical masks, of all kinds, had been bought up overnight. Thankfully I had purchased a few before going to Canada, Disinfecting wipes, sanitizer and yes, toilet paper seemingly vanished overnight. During this initial pandemic I tried to be positive. It’ll pass, just do what they are asking and it’ll pass.
Yes, it’ll pass but first it will try us all. It taught me a few things. While yes I love my husband I discovered that I can only take him in small doses, teachers get paid WAY too little and yes, sometimes my kid can be a jerk. I learned that common core is useless, no surprise there huh? I learned that “doomsday preppers” aren’t that far off in their prepping. I now buy extra non-perishable items and store them away for a rainy day. The realization that we were totally unprepared financially for “the rainy day.”
After a couple of weeks calibrating what was going on and what our new norm had become I got back to work. Speaking on webinars to help bring awareness to the fact victims of abuse are now locked in a house with no escape with their abusers. Trying to make a global impact of world change while helping my kid learn about fractions and helping my husband rebuild a bigger chicken and goat pen.
And just like that all the worries of corona vanished with one death. The world went from being afraid to venture outside to protests and riots. Yes, the cops that took the life of an innocent human being deserve to be punished and yes as a white person I openly state that i do not know what it is like to be anything but white.
Is the world ending? Is this the start of the end? I don’t have the answers but I know my soul is scared. I am now at a point that I’ve had to stop!!! I’ve had to stop working, stop thinking, and just talk to God. What is going on? What am I to do? Is what I thought you called me to do really what i am supposed to still be doing? So much of what I thought I knew about myself and the world I now question?
What are your thoughts? Has anyone else had to just stop and rethink what life looks like going forward?
I know I have to go forward but what and where is forward?